I have a small crush on Otzi the Iceman. I realize he lived 5000 years ago but that doesn’t stop the occasional, slight preoccupation in my mind. I like the way he dressed. First of all, he wore waterproof shoes with leather shoelaces. I love those kinds of shoes. He wore a woven grass cloak with a matching belt and leggings. I bet he would have woven me one of those cloaks and I love belts and leggings. I would have wanted my leggings to be black. He could have used ashes and soot as a dye for the leggings because guess what Otzi likely used ashes and soot for?
Well… he had (brace yourself, mom) over sixty tattoos. They did seem to be lined up like some sort of acupuncture. Right down my alley. Otzi was an earthy guy. He loved to eat fatty meats and herbed fruits, so delicious. And barley and bran, poppy seeds and flax. I would have been all in. He even ate Einkorn wheat bran and I was just looking up Einkorn flour the other day to order online. Otzi also had a pouch full of fresh berries and a leather string lined with mushrooms. Had to have been fresher than a farmer’s market. I could have learned foraging from Otzi and I know we would not have gotten poisoned out there in the wild. Better than any restaurant I can think of.
That guy could make a mean tool. He had this amazing pure copper ax, a super sharp-bladed knife with a carved wood handle and a matching sharpening tool. His tools were a status symbol. That and his southern European background catch my attention. He wasn’t just any guy. He loved taking long walks on hilly terrain which sounds like a bonding thing plus checks off my aerobic box. I hate exercising alone.
One thing that would bother me is the cavities. He had a lot of them. And he had osteochondrosis which is like osteoporosis but from being a hard worker. Girls like a hard-working guy. And I could have helped him. I am sure his life would have been less stressful with me in it. How could he have had lactose intolerance, atherosclerosis, and Lyme disease, as well? Are you kidding me? He was only 45 years old. He needed the love of a good woman.
Almost forgot. One of his valuable possessions was a complex fire-lighting kit including pyrite to create sparks. Sitting by a fire with Otzi in the Otztal Alps bordering Austria and Italy might have created sparks from more than just pyrite. But then the weather was pretty cold up there. Otzi was from a village about 50 kilometers north so maybe hanging out with his people would have been more practical.
By the look of Otzi’s fingernails, he had signs of sickness– three times in the six months before he passed away. Wish I had been there for him. The nurturing side of me comes out fairly easily. But then something terrible happened to Otzi. I don’t think it was a love triangle. He must have wandered into someone else’s territory which makes me glad I was not there. An arrowhead tore through his coat and lodged in his left shoulder. His scapula was shattered.
Otzi also suffered cerebral trauma from a blow to the head. I think he fell after the attack and hit his head on a rock. He actually died from blood loss. I get a feeling Otzi happened to stray into the path of a not so nice guy who I bet couldn’t get a date if he tried. So Otzi froze to death after he bled to death. Terrible. Undeserving. But when is death deserving? I guess when in self-defense. I don’t think Otzi started this confrontation, though. Seems he was attacked from behind. He just froze in place and time, until someone found him. They were a few years too late. And every once in a while, I’m sad about it. I bet Otzi the Iceman was a good guy. Or at least, I choose to remember him that way.
